From a Mother's learning heart.

My biggest dream, deepest desire, is to be a mother, to be God's hands on earth. My Husband and I have two precious angels in our home, sleeping this very moment, or so I hope in our daughters case, haha. There isn't a certain number of children we plan to stop at. Until the spirit no longer whispers there is another piece of our family up there, we will keep having these sweet babies. I know that there are so many of Heavenly Father's spirit children, just waiting for their turn on earth. I want them, I want them to be mine because my heart needs them. Whether or not my body can bring ALL those spirit children waiting their turn, into this world, is yet to be determined, haha. But more seriously than I had ever expected or thought or imagined, this mothering business, is not for the faint of heart. I have discovered that my heart was not completely prepared for this duty, desire, dream I've always longed for.
     The beautiful dark haired, hazel brown eyed, angel I spoke of previously, who may or may not be asleep in her room, our little Grace Noelle, was given to me for a reason. That reason as well, is yet to be fully determined, haha. Though I have had many spiritual confirmations that she was given to me, to teach ME how to love like Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love.
      My heart has been broken with guilt, broken with fear. Guilt that I've spanked my daughter, guilt that I've not taken her outside enough, guilt that she's only two years old and my expectations of her are so high. Fear that she'll remember when I yelled at her, fear that she'll never forgive me for walking away from a catastrophic melt down when she needed me most and I just couldn't handle it.
      Sometimes, at the end of the day, I sit in our rocking chair and regret everything that I did that day as her mother. I wonder why I'm failing, what need is not being met in her little heart that I just can't seem to figure out? Why is my love for her so incredibly big that I don't know how it fits inside of me, but at the same time my lack of understanding her and who she is, overflows out of me too?
        There is a piece of this picture that I know is in there, deep inside both of our hearts that is going to take some time to dig out. Maybe she is my daughter not because of what I can change and mold out of her, but what she is going to change and mold out of me.
      Everyday she teaches me how to forgive. On one particularly grueling day full of more downs than ups, my sweet little girl had pulled my apron strings so tight I felt like I was barely breathing. That night she fought me when it was time for bed. By the way she was acting you would have thought her toothpaste was poison and her diaper was a straight jacket. She went to bed without a song or a prayer out of me.
     When all was said and done, our little Hudson was sleeping and I had a few minutes to brush my own teeth and get into my pajamas. The spirit quickly whispered to me, that I needed to go into her room and apologize for reacting harshly to her tantrums. I didn't want to, you would have thought me the toddler. Though being prompted by the Spirit to do so, I became more willing. As I entered her bedroom, she greeted me with a smile. I walked to her and sat on the edge of her bed. I stretched out my arms and asked her if she'd give me a hug. She did, though I couldn't get her to answer the one question my heart needed to know. "Do you know mommy loves you?" She began babbling and pointing to things in her room, I asked her again, "Do you know mommy loves you?" Without getting an answer I looked into her sweet two year old face and said "Mommy loves you so much, and I'm sorry we had such a rough day. I'm sorry mommy yelled and got upset."
      It was like she had aged 20 years in the 5 seconds our eyes met. She looked back at me and asked "mommy is sorry?" As the tears flooded down my cheeks I replied "yes, mommy is so sorry." No sooner had the words come out of my mouth, her arms were around my neck and her sweet voice whispering in my ear "Thank you, mommy."
     We sang songs and rocked in the chair until the Playlist in my head no longer had a tune to play. I sat with my eyes locked into hers, without a warning her soft little toddler hand was on my cheek, with another "Thank you, mommy" on her lips. I'd never felt such forgiveness, not from anyone except Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.
      How on earth was she willing to forgive me so easily? I believe it was because it didn't come from any earthly place. Her forgiveness, her love, was that of Heaven. Maybe, just maybe, she will be able to forgive all of my future shortcomings as I navigate this journey of motherhood. And maybe, just maybe, with her love and her teaching, I won't turn out to be half as bad at this job as I think I am.

Birth of Hudson Lee

The morning of Sunday May 15, 2016, my due date, I woke up with mild contractions. I told Mitchel I thought that I might be in the beginning stages of labor but didn't want to get my hopes up! As the morning went on the contractions started to get a little stronger and more frequent so we decided to time them, just for fun! ;) To our surprise they were only about 4 minutes apart. I started to be skeptical in the "this is too good to be true" kind of way and didn't think it was time to call Shauna, our midwife just yet.
I took a shower and fixed my hair and we headed off to church. During sacrament meeting the contractions continued steady and got stronger and started to be closer together. I was still thinking that it was all too good to be true, I mean, having my baby on his due date would be like winning the lottery and I am definitely not that lucky! Or I guess I am, but I just couldn't believe it! ;)
We went into Sunday school, which Mitch was teaching that day. He told me afterward that he could tell things were getting serious because I kept holding my belly and staring off into space for what seemed to him, lengthy periods of time! We went to check on Grace in the nursery and things really started to pick up. Mitch insisted that I call Shauna and let her know what was happening. I did, reluctantly still, because I couldn't believe I was actually in labor! When I called she told me I could come in and boy are we glad we did! By the time we got in the car and Grace dropped off at my parents house, I was really feeling the contractions! We headed to Silver City with Mom and my sister Paige shortly behind us.
We got to the Birth Center around 2:45 and I was dilated between 5 and 6 cm! We went down to the birthing room and got comfy and settled in. Mom and Paige got there and our Birth photographer Ezmia wasn't far behind. I sat on the bouncy ball and that felt good for a little while, but I decided I'd really like to walk around ( how awesome that I didn't have to be hooked up to machines and could labor freely, such a blessing!). I laid down on the bed and Shauna brought me the most amazing smoothy popsicle that tasted so much like heaven it almost took the pain away! But not quite and I decided I was ready to get in the birth tub. WOW the warm water was such a sweet relief, that too was almost like heaven! After a little while, my body went into transition and my sweet hubby was there supporting me through every contraction, I couldn't have done it without him. I'm not sure what time it was that I felt like I needed to push, but when I did, I had the most amazing midwife and husband coaching and talking me through it. I felt so supported and empowered. At 6:30 pm My beautiful baby boy was placed in my arms and I will never forget that moment. He was so perfect, absolutely perfect and I was overwhelmed. The moment we had all been waiting for was here, and our lives instantly and forever changed for the better!
We had the most beautiful birth experience, it was everything I had dreamed of. I will forever be grateful for La Clinica Health and Birth Center where we found the most amazing midwife on earth and the sweetest birth assistants ever. I've known since we had Grace that I wanted a midwife to deliver the remainder of our babies, and I wanted to do it naturally. I feel so extremely blessed that we were able to give birth where we did and that my sweet mom and sister were there to witness it! :)

I've attached a slide show of our birth photos below. I can not thank Ezmia enough for freezing that day, those moments, in time, forever! We will be able to relive those moments over and over again, I never want to forget that day.

Do be advised if you decide to watch that there are birth photos and breastfeeding photos. Please be considerate, I never thought I would be willing to share such an intimate and special part of our lives with other people. I know I'm opening myself up to public criticism, but I am so proud of these pictures, so in love with them, that I want to share the beauty of giving birth and the raw reality of what it is.... strength, beauty, power, love, a miracle! ♡

https://youtu.be/v2mnlvgIIt4

A realization and a comfort

(I do not write these things to sound prideful, but to simply thank my father in Heaven for a gift he has given me today)

So this morning I listened to a message by Al Fox Carraway called "Confessions of a Mormon convert". She is an amazing lady and an incredible speaker! She said something in that message that struck a cord inside of me and made me think. She said that we all have ups and downs in our lives, days that we feel like we are at our weakest and we wonder where our God is. But we also have days where we feel stronger than ever! She said that there have been days in her life where she has yelled at God and been angry at him for her struggles and her pain. I think that may be true for a lot of His children. I pondered on the times in my life where I have felt so weak and downtrodden, so exhausted from the struggles and pains and frustrations in my life. I also thought of the times where I have felt so high I could fly! So spiritually strong and lifted that I thought I could do anything! And amidst my pondering I looked to find a time where I was angry at my Father in Heaven, a time where I wondered why he had left me and why he had let me suffer such hard trials and afflictions...I couldn't find any. I have been so blessed in my life, with so many gifts from my Heavenly father and Jesus Christ! The strongest and most precious gift they have given me is the special privilege to "Know", to know that they are Always there, and to never "Doubt". I have always known that my God and my Savior were with me, I have never doubted that they were there with me during every trial, every consequence of my actions, and every triumph and spiritual moment of my life. When I have been so lost and so sad, I have never wondered where my Father and my brother were. I have always known that this world is a disturbing place and that Satan is everywhere and I am his target. I signed up for this battle and this test when I was in Heaven,  I knew that it was going to be a dark and difficult journey. BUT, I was also promised that I would have people to help me, and that my savior would be my guide and that my Heavenly Father would always be aware of my circumstances and my progess and my obstacles and my pain and my faults and my happiness and that all of those things would be for my good and for my learning and progression so that one day I would be able to return to them and live in their presence Forever! And today as I was listening to Al's wonderful message I was given another special gift, the holy ghost put it on my heart, the knowledge that I had always had knowledge, that I had never doubted my savior and my Father in heaven. Of all the mistakes I've made and the things I've messed up and done wrong in my life, at least I know that I've never lost my Faith, and I've never doubted that They were with me through it all. And that, is a gift that I will forever be grateful for and one that I know is a privilege to have been given! Amen.

A Light Upon a Hill cannot be Hidden

Today Grace and I were just hanging out at home playing on the floor when I heard a loud knock at my door. I peeped through the hole and saw two ladies standing there, I had no idea who they were but I was not going to answer it, I was still in my PJ's with crazy hair! So I went back and whispered "Shhhhhh" to Grace, she just smiled at me of course. Then I thought, maybe I should just answer anyways, I mean who cares if I look a fright, I'll probably never see them again. So I answered, I suspected they were Jehovah's Witnesses but I wasn't sure, I have never had any of them knock on my door before. It ended up that they were, I said hello and apologized for my appearance, they laughed and said they didn't mind. They asked if they could read me a scripture from the Bible and gave me a pamphlet and started into their message. I listened politely and was glad I had opened the door because in that moment, I thought of our sweet Hermana down in Paraguay and our dear Elder in Las Vegas and all of the missionaries out there serving. I pray every day that people will open their doors for them and listen to their message.
 When they were finished they asked if they could come back and visit us again sometime, I told them Thank you and that I hoped they wouldn't be offended but that we are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The lady that was older and had been giving most of the message looked into my eyes and said "Oh I could have told you that, I could tell just by looking at you." I smiled and she said that they just wanted me to know that the Bible is true and that I could find answers there. I told her that I know that the Bible is true and that I believed some of the things that they had told me about being created in our Heavenly Fathers image and that he wants us to multiply and have peace here on earth and that he did not create wickedness. I thanked them again and they went on their way.
 I came inside, sat down and thought to myself, "Wow" look at me, I am a mess! I didn't look like I was on my way to church and she didn't come into my home and see all of my pictures of Christ and the Temple. But somehow she knew, somehow she knew that I was a member of the Church. I truly believe it is his image in our countenance, it is the light of Christ shining in our eyes, a complete knowledge of the truth. I only wish I could have told them everything, given them an even greater light than they know.
 I am so grateful for the restored gospel in my life, for my complete knowledge of the truth and of eternity! I am so proud of Paige and Trent and all of my cousins and all those who have gone before them to spread the word of God and Jesus Christ's name here on earth! What a blessing and a privilage I have to have been born into the restored gospel of  Jesus Christ and to have all the blessings of the temple and eternal families! I feel that there are no words to express my love and my gratitude to my Father in Heaven!
Hurrah for Israel! And blessed be the name of the most high God! Forever and ever, Amen.

Grace's pretty cupcake

Last week we went to Lucy's (Our friends little girl) one year old Birthday party! Well, while Lucy was eating the spoils of her first birthday, little Grace was eating Pears, Haha. So when it was time for everyone to have a cupcake I was excited to give Grace a taste of mine! Mitch handed me a pretty purple cupcake and I held it up to Grace and said "Ooo! Isn't it so pretty?!" She didn't think twice, she reached her head forward and had that thing in her mouth before we could blink! Our friend Celinda just happened to grab her phone and capture the moment PERFECTLY! :) Here it is... Our sweet Grace tasting her first cupcake!

Our new Blog!

Hi Everyone, I have decided that it is time for a family Blog !
 I cant believe it has been nearly 3 years since I last blogged. So much has happened, so much has changed. We have officially been in our home for a year last month ! And what a wonderful year it has been ! We have been through so many different experiences since moving into our home, things that at first seemed like a test, but turned out to be a gift and a blessing in disguise. Then our sweet Grace Noelle was born on Valentines day, contracted RSV 5 weeks later and landed us a fancy vacation to the hospital for a week (NOT FUN !). Mitch entered and graduated the Police Academy and went through his field training and is now on his own. He passed every test with flying colors and is definitely top notch at what he does ! We absolutely LOVE our ward, we have met so many wonderful people and have made so many wonderful friends! I even made it through playing the piano in the primary program and didn't make anyone's ears bleed. Grace has simply flourished in every aspect and she is so beautiful ! I couldn't ask for a better life, my trials and frustrations are a spec of dust in comparison to so many others ! I feel so blessed and so fortunate to have received all that we have been given, blessings and trials included. And I know that it has all come from Our Father in Heaven. And Someday I really am going to get around to taking pictures of our home so that everyone can see how cute it is ! It is small, but I love our home so much, there is something about the spirit of this home that I know a part of me  will always miss when we move someday, and that is why I named our blog "Love, grows best in little houses". These are the lyrics to a song by Doug Stone that my mom used to always play when we were young and even now. I love that song so much that I put those words on the wall in our living room for everyone to see, for there were never words more true !